Gosh

So last night when Lance came home at 4am, I told him how I felt. When I want to speak seriously, it isn't about what has happened recently. It is an accumulation of things that has been going on for longer than a few weeks. It takes me a while to think about the issue and determine if it is something that I'm just freaking out over for no reason or if I really do have something valid.

In all the years that we have been with each other, you'd think he'd get it by now that when I am telling him how I feel, I'm not talking about right then. I'm talking about a month worth of observations. I'm like my dad in that way. I won't say anything if something is done that doesn't jive with me. I'll wait. I'll wait to see if it happens again. I'll wait to see if there is a pattern. Only then do I say anything.

Last night, after receiving a text from him at around 1:30am that he would be at Jame's place for a beer and then come home, at 3:20am, he wasn't home. I called him to see where he was. Mostly to see if he was okay as in, not arrested for DUI or something. I laid there and thought about it.

Lately, ever since he lost his job, I feel like even though he has more time and we see each other every single day, I feel like we aren't together as much. With just us. I'm fine with him being with his friends. I'm okay with them coming over. That's fine. But I miss just hanging out with him. I miss hanging out with him without some loud mouth hanging around. I miss sleeping with him. Granted it's just sleep but I want him next to me for at least three hours before I have to go to work.

If he comes home on a weeknight at 4am and I have to up at 6am, I wake up when he arrives and it takes me 30 minutes to an hour to fall asleep again because he'll want to talk about the show and I listen because I want to. Then afterwards, depending on how much has drunk, he snores. He threw all of my ear plugs away so I can't block that noise and it freakin' irritates me because I can't sleep with all that damn noise. It's not just him making that noise, it's the dog too.

Since he lost his job, I have been awaken many a week nights by either one or both of them snoring!!!! I f-ing hate it. It makes me cranky when I get up and I HATE waking up in an angry or cranky mood.

I want to make sure this is documented here. As always whenever I try to tell him my feelings, he talks over and/or he'll refute what I have to say with an excuse of his own. All I want is to tell him how I feel and get it off my chest. I don't need him to get defensive on me. Of course he freaks out because he thinks I'm freaking out except it's really that I'm upset because I feel like he is not listening to me. He says I don't listen to him and you know what...he never gave me a chance to say what I had to say.

In any case, the conversation went south and turned into a stupid arguement. UGH!

He told me that I can just ask him to come home. I told him, I have done that on occassion and I have been burned. I am not going to go through that again because he says so. Next time, I know he's going to burn me when I ask that and forget about it. Again, I feel like I am getting mixed messages. This will never end.

I'm just ... tired. Tired of being tired. Tired of feeling that little spark of annoyance. Tired of being unsure. Just plain ole TIRED. I knew that night that this would happen. I knew it. I hoped for the best but it went exactly the way it always does and he will never get it. I don't want to argue, I just want him to listen. It's not listening if he's trying to talk over me at the same time.